Within my circle of friends, 2017 so far has not proved to be the year of romantic bliss. Practically all of my unmarried girlfriends’ relationships are on the rocks or already smashed to smithereens…carcasses scattered along the shore. For anyone else suffering from a broken heart, I have a tale to share about a scorned woman and a battered chicken that may help brighten your day.
While discussing this recent deluge of failed relationships in our new Girl Time podcast, one of my guests, Silvana, shared her solution for heartbreak. A few years back, a friend of hers was constantly complaining about her boyfriend. One day she’s in love, the next day, he’s a jerk— back and forth. She kept whining and complaining about it until finally, Silvana had had enough.
She took her girlfriend to the grocery store to buy a chicken. Returning home to her backyard, she told her girlfriend to think of this pale, raw, naked thing as her man.
“When you look at it, think of all the nasty things he’s said to you. Now, give him a smack,” Silvana instructed.
Understandably, her friend was hesitant at first, but quickly embraced the concept. She started smacking the little Perdue around, kicking him, yelling at him…but then she picked him up and hugged him, telling him it would be ok.
Silvana said, “Uhh, remember when he called you a stupid bitch?”
“Yeah, that bastard,” her girlfriend said in disgust, letting loose a renewed barrage of assaults.
She dug a hole in the ground, put him in it and stomped on him. She laughed, she cried and eventually hiked up her skirt and peed on him.
“That’s when I knew, we had gone too far,” Silvana said.
No doubt, a golden shower on Mr. Perdue was the turning point. They finally covered him up with dirt and said a prayer over the mangled little bird. Miraculously, her girlfriend walked away with the closure she so desperately needed. She blocked her boyfriend from all contact on Facebook and email, changed the locks on her house and moved on with her life.
Silvana said there were a few times when her girlfriend’s resolve weakened, so she asked her if she needed to come back and dig up the battered fowl. Her friend assured her that would not be necessary.
“I’m emotionally exhausted from that chicken—I’m good.”
Breaking up is hard to do. Who knew a backyard poultry ritual would do the trick? Well, now we know: The next time a man does you wrong, don’t get even . . . buy a chicken.
Written by Jules Lewis Gibson, founder and editor in chief of GRAVITAS Magazine