T he election is over, but not to worry for those of you addicted to the shock and awe—another fix is coming. Stay tuned for the premiere of the new reality show, Trump Takes Washington. Although it’s doubtful he will spend much time away from his gilded New York tower, his decorator is ordering every gallon of Dictator Gold Benjamin Moore paint she can get her hands on to transform the shabby White House into a Trump-worthy set.
Across town, Hillary’s campaign is busy playing the blame game in hopes of finding the ball they dropped somewhere around the Rust Belt. Her supporters have not received the results so well; instead of dancing in the streets, they gathered in screaming packs and burned stuff. On the bright side, celebrities have backtracked on their original threats to leave the country if Trump won. Lena Dunham decided to skip Canada and instead retreated to the deserts of Arizona to regroup. She apparently “asked the canyon for some guidance.” Eye roll. I hope she packed enough mushrooms for her stay.
Meanwhile, Trump and his band of offspring are busy setting up their new family board game, Celebrity Monopoly. There’s a lot of talk about Son-in-Law-in-Chief Jared Kushner’s role in the new administration. I say, let the guy in…we need a Trump Whisperer. He’s reported to be smart, soft-spoken and reserved, basically the opposite of Trump. I’m actually relieved he and Ivanka will be guiding dear old Dad. They may turn White House dinners into HSN shopping events, but at least I think they will pass on blowing up the world. The best news I’ve heard in weeks is that Mitt Romney may be tapped for Secretary of State. If ever there were a politician who looked the part, it’s good ole’ Mitt. He’s basically a Ken doll wrapped in an American flag with a side of apple pie. If only Mitt had waited to run in 2016, I believe we would have had a man with the experience, temperament and camera-ready good looks for the job. Instead we have a vaudeville mogul with reality TV savvy and a bad spray tan.
No doubt Mitt would have beat Hillary, too. Even Bernie, the Pied Piper of Vermont, gave her a run for her piles of money. Like my ex-husband (emphasis on ex) used to say back in 2008, “Bros before hoes.” White men hate Hillary so much, it’s like she represents every nun with a paddle, ballsy bitch with brains, and uppity girl who dumped them all wrapped up in a perfectly tailored pantsuit. I know the woman has issues, but her improprieties pale in comparison to the orange man.
Like it or not, we’re Trumped. It’s time to turn the page and move forward. I hope women on all sides of the aisle will pull up their big girl panties and run for office. It’s up to us to change the world. So find a lady who shares your values and help her get on a ballot. Then vote with your p*ssy…and tell the men who want to grab it to take a hike.